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Worried About Someone?

If you suspect that someone you know is experiencing abuse, taking the time to learn about domestic abuse and how to support them are crucial steps in helping your loved one find safety and freedom.

If someone confides in you that they are facing domestic abuse, there are simple yet effective ways you can support them. However, if the person has not directly disclosed their situation, offering support can be more challenging, but understanding how to be there for them is still essential.

⚠️ Important: When supporting someone experiencing abuse, always prioritize your own safety.

What is Domestic Abuse?

Domestic abuse is a pattern of behaviors within an intimate or family relationship that deprives the person experiencing abuse of control over their own life or ability to leave the relationship. These behaviors can be controlling, coercive, threatening, degrading, or violent.

Your friend or family member may be uncertain about whether they are experiencing domestic abuse. If it’s safe, you can share information about different forms of abuse to help them recognize their situation. Keep in mind that they might not be ready to accept that their partner or relative is abusive.

Domestic abuse can include, but is not limited to:

  • Coercive control (a pattern of intimidation, degradation, isolation, and control through the use or threat of physical or sexual violence)
  • Psychological and/or emotional abuse
  • Physical or sexual abuse
  • Financial or economic abuse
  • Harassment and stalking
  • Online or digital abuse

It’s important to understand that abuse is always rooted in a pattern of power and control. Coercive control, which includes acts of assault, threats, humiliation, and intimidation, is used to harm, punish, or frighten the victim, creating an environment of fear that makes it very difficult to leave the relationship. Coercive and controlling behavior has been a criminal offense since 2015.

How You Can Support Someone Experiencing Domestic Abuse

Talking about abuse requires immense strength, especially since many survivors are often disbelieved or dismissed when they share their experiences.

If someone reaches out to you, acknowledge the bravery it took for them to confide in you. They are taking an important step toward seeking help, despite being in a frightening and difficult situation.

Supporting someone who is experiencing domestic abuse can be challenging, but the most important thing you can do is provide emotional support. 💬 Listen to them, believe them, and allow them the space and time to process their experiences.

Remember, domestic abuse is about one person exerting control over another. The abuser has likely taken away much of the control from your loved one, so it’s important not to do the same. Instead of taking control of the situation or making decisions for them, let them know that support is available whenever they choose to seek it. They may not be ready to get support or leave the relationship, and that’s okay. It’s crucial not to force this or judge them for their decisions. Let them set their own boundaries of what they feel is safe, and always remember that they are the experts in their own lives. However, if you believe someone is in immediate danger, you should call the police  or encourage them to do so if they can.

  • When they share their experiences, listen attentively, try to understand, and avoid blaming them.
  • Reassure them that they are not alone and direct them to support services like the Saartjie Baartman, where trained support workers can help them explore their options and make informed decisions.
  • When they contact us, they can expect to be treated with respect and without judgment. We guarantee a fully trained female support worker will be available to help them explore their options, support their choices, and keep everything confidential.
  • If they have suffered physical abuse, you could offer to accompany them to a GP or hospital.
  • If they feel comfortable, you can also assist them in reporting the assault to the police.
  • The abuser may have convinced them that they deserve the abuse. Let them know this is not true—no one deserves to be threatened or hurt. The abuser alone is responsible for their actions.

Use Supportive Language

It can be difficult to hear a loved one talk about their experiences, but it’s important not to let your feelings turn into judgmental words.

Judgmental language can reinforce harmful stereotypes about domestic abuse, making it harder for survivors to understand their situation, accept it, and seek help.

Instead of saying, “If I were you, I’d leave,” try acknowledging the barriers they face, such as financial or emotional challenges, by saying, “I understand there are barriers to you leaving.” Leaving is a significant decision that could lead to further abuse, so it’s important they make their own decisions when they feel ready.

Avoid blaming them for the abuse. Instead of asking, “What did you do to provoke him?” say, “You don’t deserve this, no matter what.” And instead of questioning their experience with, “That sounds unlike him,” affirm their feelings by saying, “Your feelings are valid, and I believe you.”

Your words have power when supporting someone. It’s essential that survivors receive the right response when they reach out for help.

 Remember to Take Care of Yourself

Supporting someone through a difficult and emotional time can be taxing, so it’s important to look after yourself. Never put yourself in a dangerous situation—do not confront the abuser or engage in situations where you might be seen as a threat. If the abuser discovers that your loved one is seeking help or if you confront them about the abuse, it may escalate the situation.

Supporting Survivors – Your Questions Answered

My Friend’s Partner is Abusive If your friend is experiencing abuse, the abuser may try to isolate them from friends and family. It’s important to let your friend know you are always there for them and keep the lines of communication open if it’s safe to do so. If they talk openly about the abuse, it’s a positive sign. Ensure you can direct them to professional support services like Saartjie Baartman Centre, where they will be supported to make safe decisions.

Your friend may feel ashamed or blame themselves for the abuse, as abusers often convince their victims that it’s their fault. It’s important to understand that domestic abuse is always the abuser’s responsibility. There’s nothing your friend could do to justify the abuse. Their self-esteem may be low, so lift them up and remind them that they are stronger than they feel.

They may still love their abuser and believe that they can change. Unfortunately, unless they acknowledge the abuse and seek help, it’s likely to continue and worsen over time.

Discuss these issues with them without being judgmental if they’re not ready to seek help yet. As a friend, one of the best things you can do is direct them to expert support. If they’re considering leaving, support staff might guide them to a refuge, but the decision to leave must come from them. Sometimes, it may take several attempts. There are legal options like obtaining an injunction or involving the police, but they must be properly supported in doing so. Encourage them to connect with Saartjie Baartman Centre or their local domestic abuse service.

My Mum’s Partner is Abusive

📝 Information and Support for Survivors

Our domestic abuse services offer a wide range of information and support from fully trained, expert female support workers. While many services are for survivors only, it’s helpful to know what we provide so you can share this information with your loved ones who may be experiencing abuse.

⚠️ Important: Saartjie Baartman Centre is not an emergency service. If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, call 911.

If you are a professional working with a survivor of abuse, Saartjie Baartman Centre offers a dedicated service for professionals to support you.